How Pyramid Schemes Work

Throughout my last post, I referred to pyramid schemes and multi-level marketing interchangeably for ease of understanding.  That's not entirely accurate, however.  This post will set that record straight, as well as shed some light on how these schemes operate, and why they actually don't work.

The following is an excerpt from my latest book, Bunk: Strange Beliefs and Dangerous Superstitions.  It's still undergoing the revision process, but I felt I ought to share this particular snippet here.

We’ve all heard the term “pyramid scheme,” and we’ve all come the realization that the term is generally used interchangeably with “ripoff.”  Pyramid schemes are often confused with multi-level marketing schemes, and this is not entirely accurate.  Though they’re not nearly as different as the MLM people would have you believe, they aren’t exactly the same either.

First, let’s look at the pyramid scheme.  The idea is that the originator of the scheme recruits ten people to give him $100 each.  Then each of them recruit ten people to send them $100 each, making a $900 profit.  Those people each recruit ten more, and so on and on.

The more sophisticated schemes usually involve people lower on the pyramid passing a portion of their income from their own recruits up the pyramid to the person who recruited them.  That person passes a portion of the money to whoever recruited him, an so on, so that there’s a relatively constant flow of income for the couple of people at the top.

The problem is, though it’s certainly possible for a few people at the top to make a lot of money, they’re doing it at the expense of the people they’ve deceived into joining.  In order for the scheme to continue, it must have a steady supply of fresh recruits.  This is never the case.

Generally, it’s hard to recruit people at all, because most people smell the bullshit a mile away.  They might know that pyramid schemes are illegal, or they may just realize that it’s a losing proposition for everyone except perhaps the con man at the top and maybe, if it’s particularly successful, the first couple of levels below him (maybe).  So most people just won’t buy into the scheme to begin with.

However, let’s imagine that everyone who is asked to join does.  It’s a perfect scenario, and everything that can go right for the scheme is going right.  What happens then?  It still fails.

The reason being, there are a limited number of people on earth.  Let’s stick with our original example of each recruit going out and recruiting ten more people, and see what happens.

1

10

100

1,000

10,000

100,000

1,000,000

10,000,000

100,000,000

1,000,000,000

10,000,000,000

You see how fast the pyramid grows.  After just ten layers (below the originator), the pyramid calls for more people than there are in the entire world!  Most of those people, by simple mathematical necessity, are losers.

Pyramid schemes are illegal because they deceive people out of money with the promise that they’ll receive money in the future, which they are not guaranteed or even particularly likely to receive.

I’ve provided an example of a simple pyramid scheme in which there are no administrative fees or payment to higher levels on the pyramid.  You only pay your recruiter, and are only paid by those you recruit.  That’s a straightforward example, but also pretty rare, because it doesn’t get anybody, even the highest levels, very much money.  We should also look at a couple of other versions.

For instance, many pyramid schemes throughout history have taken the form of a chain letter.  For purposes of illustration, I’ll assume that everyone sends the letter to precisely ten people, and each of those ten people actually do choose to participate (I like using multiples of ten because it makes the math a lot clearer and easier to follow).  Let’s say I receive a letter with a list of six names on it.  The letter instructs me to send $1 (just one dollar) to everyone on the list.  I then remove the top name from the list, move everyone else up one position, and add my own name to the bottom.

So I send my grand total of $6 out, alter the list of names according to the instructions, and mail the new letter to ten people.

When those people receive the letter, they each mail their $6 (that’s $1 to each of the names on the list, remember), remove the top name from the list, add their own name to the bottom, and mail it out to ten more people.  From this first level, I receive $10.

As the pyramid grows, my payments get larger and larger.  From the second level below me, now consisting of 100 people, I get $100.  From the third, I get $1,000.  Then $10,000.  Then $100,000.  Ten, from the sixth level, I receive a total of $1,000,000, and my name drops off the list.

If most people didn’t know about pyramid schemes and that they don’t work, you could see how this might seem like a good deal for me.  A really good deal.  After all, for my original investment of only $6, I got a return of $1,111,110.  That’s enough to pay off even my debts!

But unless I’m right at the top of the pyramid, meaning the letter hasn’t gone through very many hands before my own, there’s no way I’ll ever see that huge return, simply because there aren’t enough people in the world to keep mailing dollars.

So it’s a bad investment.  Why is it fraud, though?  After all, it’s possible for the participants to get more out of it than they put in, right?  The reason it’s fraud is because it promises this return, and even if everyone in the world participates, most people who mail their $6 will never see a penny in return, because most of the population is on the bottom level when the whole thing inevitably collapses.  The reason is that no new wealth is created through participation in the scheme.

Economists will debate the “creation of wealth” issue until we’re all blue in the face.  Does the creation of a new product qualify as a creation of wealth, or simply a transfer of wealth?  If it costs $5 to make and you sell it for $10, it would seem to be a creation of $5 in wealth.  The debate is whether the labor involved in the creation of this new product qualifies as wealth itself.  If it does, then the wealth is not so much created as transferred to a different medium.  In other words, by writing this book, I’m transferring my wealth (time and labor) into the book which is a sellable product.

For our purposes here, let us assume that we’ll be dealing with the model of economics in which new wealth can be created by turning lesser valued ingredients into higher valued products.  I don’t care which model you actually prefer, but this is a much easier model to deal with for the purpose of examining pyramid schemes.

Because no new wealth is created by participating in the scheme--in other words, the amount lost by all the losers is the exact amount gained by all the winners--it definitely constitutes fraud.

Let’s imagine that I invite one hundred people to my house.  I tell each of them that there is a small fee, say one dollar, to enter, but that when they leave, they’ll get ten dollars back.

As each person enters, I collect their dollar and put it in a basket by the door.  Then everyone commences with the festivities (which, since it’s my party, would probably involve listening to Eagles music and arguing about the costs and benefits of various types of political systems or some such nonsense).

When everyone is ready to leave, they line up at the door.  As they leave, I hand each ten dollars.  But after the first ten people leave, the basket is empty!  Because the scheme does not involve the creation of new wealth (or the transfer of wealth into a practical medium, if you prefer), I’ve cheated ninety people out of their money.

Of course, this particular example is not a pyramid scheme, as there’s only one level (myself, in this case), so only one person is guilty of fraud (again, yours truly).  But the argument still applies.

Let’s look at another type of pyramid scheme: the administrative pyramid scheme.  The basic modus operandi of this scheme is the same as the others.  It involves new recruits paying up the pyramid to their recruiter and their recruiter’s recruiter.  The difference in this case, is that the payments are centralized around an administrator.  This person, generally the originator of the pyramid, is responsible for collecting payments from new recruits and distributing the proper amount of money to their superiors.  Usually, he takes a fee for himself in return for providing this service.

This scheme works really well for the administrator because he’s guaranteed a profit no matter how poorly the pyramid does on the whole (though the better it does, the greater his profit will be, of course).  However, because this person is easily identified and reported to law enforcement, these schemes generally don’t last very long.

Pyramid schemes have often tried to get around tax law by calling themselves “gifting clubs.”  The idea being that you call your original buy-in a “gift.”  Because the IRS does not tax gifts under $10,000, they advertise all your promised proceeds from your underlings as tax-free.

As much as I loathe the IRS (and I really can’t stand the bastards), they’re absolutely right when they point out that this is untrue.  Legally speaking, your buy-in is not a gift, because you expect to receive further proceeds as a result of paying this fee.  The IRS considers a gift to be something given with no expectation of anything in return.  They are absolutely correct in their definition.

There is truth to the claim that most participants don’t receive anything in return.  However, this does not make it a gift under the law, because they do expect to receive money in return.

What’s even more dangerous is that it’s not just illegal to start a pyramid scheme.  People who’ve simply been deceived into participating in an existing one have had run-ins with the law in the past.  I don’t know if this is the best solution to the problem, but it’s definitely something to be aware of.  Simply participating in a pyramid scheme could get you in trouble for fraud.

That’s a pyramid scheme.  The multi-level marketing (MLM) companies we’ve all had some experiences with at one time or other, are not pyramid schemes, though they’re often called by that name.

There are legitimate (and I use the term loosely) MLMs out there.  Participating in these schemes is not illegal, and they aren’t fraud.  However, I do find them ethically and fiscally questionable.  If a friend approaches me with a pyramid scheme, I will flat tell him that it’s fraud, and to get out immediately.  If he approaches me with a MLM, I won’t participate, and will encourage him to rethink his own participation, but I won’t stand in his way if that’s what he wants to do.  Since it is legal and isn’t actually defrauding anybody, it’s your own choice whether or not to do it, but I think that, if you have all the facts, you’ll probably choose not to.

What distinguishes an MLM from a pyramid scheme is that the MLM actually has a real product or service to sell, so there’s a legitimate business potential with the company.

I find them unethical because they still follow the pyramid format of trying to recruit new salespersons to build your own “downline.”  The idea being that you receive a portion of all the sales accumulated by everyone you’ve recruited, and everyone they’ve recruited, and so on.  In most, perhaps even all, MLMs, I feel that the product, though it is the distinction that divides MLMs from pyramid schemes, is really just a diversion or cover for the pyramid structure of the scheme.

First, we need to dispose of the pyramid schemes posing as MLMs.  They do sell a product, oh yes.  But it’s a product that has no value at all unless you have an interest in joining the pyramid scheme.  For instance, they’ll sell you marketing reports, or access codes for an online pyramid scheme.  These products have no real value or marketability except to participants in the scheme.

Though they call themselves MLMs, they will still be prosecuted as pyramid schemes, because that’s what they are, after all.

Even within legitimate MLMs, there’s a delicate balance of legality.  If the multi-level part of the equation rises to a point where it considerably outweighs the marketing part, it’s little more than a pyramid scheme (and law enforcement is likely to see it the same way).  In other words, is the money coming from recruitment or from sales?

Here’s why I find MLMs unethical: market saturation.  If everyone were just making money from sales, even though it is structured as a pyramid, I would have little problem with it except to say that it’s perhaps not the most effective way to structure a business (there’s a reason the bookstore where you got this book is not an MLM, after all).

But the problem is, MLMs, by their very design, must assume that the demand for their product will never run out.  The fact of the matter is, I don’t care how good your product is, there is a limited demand for it.

Because they assume there is this unlimited demand for their product, they also assume there is an unlimited demand for new sales staff to recruit.

So let’s start an imaginary MLM and see what the problem is with market saturation.

We’ve developed “Product X,” and it’s going to be a big hit.  Everyone is going to want one.  So we set our company up as an MLM and start recruiting people to go out and sell Product X to all their friends.  But instead of just giving them an hourly wage or a commission, we give them a commission, plus a percentage of the commission from everyone they recruit as a new sales person, and charge in a fee (which will be spread across the recruit’s “upline” to become one of our sales representatives.

Quickly, we see our company growing.  Lots of people are buying Product X, and plenty are buying in to the company so they can sell Product X, too.  People are making money from sales, from the sales of their downline, and from recruitments, and everything seems to be going really well.

But there’s trouble on the horizon.  Just about everyone who wants Product X already has one, but we’re still recruiting new sales people, to sell something that no one will buy anymore.  The only money that’s still changing hands is from recruitment of new sales people.  Our company is turning into a pyramid scheme.

Eventually, it’s going to crumble, either with intervention from law enforcement (as it’s now just multi-level with no marketing), or simply due to the financial strain of poor business.

Sure, we can introduce Product Y and Product Z and start selling those, too.  But the fact of the matter is, eventually the market is going to run out, but the company will still be hiring people, because in the short-term, that’s the best thing for the upline (furthermore, when sales drop off, that's the only way our sales people can ever hope to get their money back--they're desperate to build their own downlines).

The MLM scheme is designed to fail.  It’s a carefully disguised and legal form of the pyramid scheme, but eventually it’s going to crumble, and the people at the bottom of the pyramid (which will be most of the people involved) are going to have lost their time, energy, and money to the people who roped them in.

Normal businesses don’t always know how many of a product to make, but they do their best to approximate, so they don’t lose out on any sales or severely overestimate the demand and end up with millions of unsellable units in a warehouse somewhere.  Normal businesses don’t always know how many salespeople to hire, but they do their best to figure it out, so they aren’t paying too many people, and so they aren’t understaffed to meet the demands of their customers.

MLMs have no such controls.  They’ll just keep recruiting and producing unsellable products until eventually the company crumbles under the weight of its own bloated structure.

People often look at the pyramid structure and see it as strong, because all the weight is at the bottom, and doesn’t have to support too much.  It’s better to look at it as an inverted pyramid, where all the mass is at the top.  I don’t care how strong your pyramid is, eventually the weight from the mass at the top is going to bring the whole thing down.

Perhaps worse than all that is the strain these schemes can put on personal relationships.  I don’t classify MLMs as fraud, as I said, because it’s possible to profit purely by selling products.  But the fact of the matter is, in order to be successful in such a venture, you need to keep recruiting along with your selling.  Who do you recruit and sell to but your friends and family?

And when you do recruit, say, your neighbor, promising all this potential for great wealth and success, what do you think she’s going to think of you when the whole thing inevitably goes under?

Before we move on to different types of schemes, scams, cons, and frauds, we should look at one final type of scheme related to the pyramid: the straight-line matrix or “elevator” scam.

It manages to do away with the pyramid structure, but still has most of the same problems.

Basically, the idea is that you get the opportunity to purchase a desired product for, say, 10% of its market value.  It’s based on a list of names, just like the pyramid scheme.  Here’s how it works.

Let’s say Product X costs $100 and you want to get it for $10.  What you do is pay $10 into the scheme, and then try to recruit ten more people.  When ten people have joined, the first person will get the product, its cost having been paid out of the fees paid by the people below him on the list.  When ten more join, the second person gets the product, and so on.

The first couple of people involved will get the product for the promised low price.  But as the pool of victims begins to run dry, people lower down on the list have to wait longer and longer to get their product.  As with the pyramid scheme, most of the people who pay into the scheme will never get anything out of it.

So that's how pyramid schemes and MLM schemes actually work.  Not pretty, is it?  Heed my advice, and stay away from these things.  Your friends, and your pocketbook will thank you for it.

Now that that's done with, perhaps we can return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Bob

I LOATHE Pyramid Schemes

Okay, so I was going to write a blog about copyright law since so few people on the Internet seem to understand intellectual property rights.  I'll probably still do so shortly, but in the meantime I finally listened to a CD I was given the other day and I absolutely MUST rant about this first, because these types of schemes piss me off more than you can possibly imagine.

A couple days ago while at work (I'm still not rich and famous enough to quit the day job, alas), I was approached by one of our regular customers.  His name, I have learned (it was printed on the CD he gave me, but we'll get to that in a moment) is John.  The only thing keeping me from publishing his full name and contact information is that he's still a regular at my place of employment and I don't need to stir shit up over there right now.  Anyway, John said he sees me there a lot.  Well, yeah, I work there.  Not exactly a big revelation, but I assure you I maintain professionalism and wasn't the least bit snarky.  He asked if I'm going to school while working there.  No.  Actually, I'm working on starting my own business.  After a bit of back and forth about what I'm doing (close-up magic, and I also write on the side, hoping my books will start selling soon), he asks if I'm looking for other ways to make money.  Oh boy, here it comes.

Look, I do my job well.  I'm friendly to customers and coworkers, I work hard, I maintain professionalism, I try to do everything right.  It's not the first time someone's approached me and asked such a question.  I've had people ask me if I want a job working at their financial planning firm, and someone who claimed to be a friend of a regional VP of a large national bank wanted my contact information.  I'm not really looking for that type of work right now--I'm trying to get my business running--but I'm always friendly, and I always give the same answer: "I'm not looking, but I'm never closed to possibilities.  Give me your card, and if I'm interested, I'll send a resume."  I leave it at that.  It's polite, and when I don't, in fact, send a resume, they get the point.  Nothing irks me more than someone walking into a place of business and trying to recruit the staff.  It's unprofessional, it's lazy, and with so many people looking for jobs these days, it reeks of something sleazy (after all, if it's a good job with decent pay, it ain't gonna be too hard to fill in this economy).  So I leave it at that, and go the other direction.

Well, John mentioned that he's involved in his own business.  I asked what he did, just to be polite--I really don't care what my customers do unless they want me to sell them a book about it.  He said "internet distribution."  Okay, that's somewhat non-committal, but no matter.  He said "I have some information, if you're interested, I could give it to you."  Well, at this point, I'm none too happy about being put on the spot, but I agreed in the least enthusiastic voice I could mutter.  I figured, he'll give me some pamphlet, and then he'll go away.  He goes back to his car and comes back in with a CD.  He says, "It's a fifteen minute audio CD.  Listen to it, and if you're excited about it, my number's on the back.  Give me a call and we can move forward with this."  Of course, I wasn't going to call, but I'm still being polite.

He asked for my contact information so he wouldn't have to call me at the store (how nice of him).  I gave him one of my cards.  I figured, the worst that happens is I'll say no, and try to sell him a magic show for his next business affair.  Of course, I'm sure he wouldn't be able to afford my fee anyway, but no matter--one has to be a little bit of an opportunist to get a business started (plus, I just got an order of two thousand cards in, so I'm not exactly being stingy with them).  He then goes on his way--without, I might add, buying so much as a paperback.

Well, when I looked at the CD, my stomach sank a little.  It looked suspiciously like a sort of business propaganda I've seen before, and I immediately began to suspect what this was.  The CD is called "Fun and Freedom" by Wade Simmons.  John had affixed his own contact information to the back.  Well, this isn't the way business is traditionally done, so red flags are flying left and right, but ever the skeptic, I reserve judgement until the facts are in.

This evening, I finally got a chance to listen to the CD.  I popped it in, and this Wade Simmons character started talking about how bad this generation has it with the costs of education and what have you, and promising to generate enough profit to have "fun and freedom" through whatever system he's pitching.  He doesn't go into any great detail through most of the ten minute (John lied when he said it was fifteen) talk, but refers cryptically to his organization's "team of entrepreneurs."  He talks about eliminating middle men, and buying direct from manufacturers.  Basically, he drops all the right words to confirm exactly what this is: a pyramid scheme.

Specifically, this scheme seems to be targeted to young people.  I'm fairly young myself, but I'm extremely well-read and quite knowledgeable about scams, so he won't get me.  But this is meant to sound extremely attractive to college students or those who've recently graduated.  He addresses this market specifically in his speech!  Older folks have seen these scams before, and now know to stay away from them (who doesn't remember Amway?), but many students may be suckered in.  Whoever this Wade Simmons is, he appears to be the scum of the earth.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  After finishing the CD, I went online to do some research, see if I couldn't find more information about what this company is doing (their website, perhaps, would offer some clues to the specifics).  So I googled Wade Simmons.  All I could find was information about a mountain biker from Canada.  Wikipedia gave me the same results.  So Wade seems to be a dead end.  I looked closer at the CD and found the copyright information.  It tells me the copyright is held by "TEAM INA."  There we go!  That's what I was looking for!

First thing I found was a website, www.ina.net.  This was a dead end, too.  All that's on the website is a "username and password" field to log in.  No information about the company, no contact information, nothing.  Just a way to log in.  Most curious.  I suspect this is the same INA, but I can't be 100% sure.  I also found this from Yahoo Answers, apparently confirming my suspicions that it's a pyramid scheme.  Gasp!  Shock!  Horror!  But I kept looking.

I found another man who was assaulted with the very same propaganda CD while shopping at a Home Depot.  His rant made a fan out of me, as he referred to the person who sent him the CD thusly: "Jeff, you're despicable, and if it existed you would burn in a very special level of Hell.  A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."  This is, of course, not only an accurate description of the quality of character of those who involve themselves in pyramid schemes (John, I'm talking to you too, motherfucker), but is a clever reference to the television program, Firefly.

Then, I found this.  This is legal documentation of a class action lawsuit against "Quixtar."  Wanna venture a guess who that actually is?  Well, that's what they're called in the U.S. and Canada.  Around the rest of the world, they're known as "Amway Corp."  Dun dun DUNNNNNN!  Yes, Amway, the most infamous pyramid scheme of them all.  The entire document makes for interesting reading, but you should pay particular attention to paragraph 38.  For convenience, I shall copy it here:

38. According to Quixtar's website, there are currently sixteen lines of sponsorship:

a. World Wide DreamBuilders;
b, Yager (InterNET Services);
c. Britt;
d. Network 21;
e. Team;
f. InterNet Associates (INA);
g. eFinity;
h. International Connection;
i.International Leadership Development (ILD);
j. MMP (MarkerMan Productions);
k. proalliance;
l. Interbiz;
m. IBO Alliance;
n. GlobalNet;
o. ProSystemOne; and
p. GBO Alliance,

Of particular interest are lines (e) and (f).  "Team" and "InterNet Associates (INA)."  Most curious indeed.  In fact, as far as I can tell, what our old buddy John was trying to rope me into wasn't just any pyramid scheme.  It was fucking AMWAY!  The worst of the worst of pyramid schemes!

People, take it from me, stay away from these people.  They're not just poor business men who made a mistake.  They're the scum of the earth.  They made a mistake, sure, but now they are trying to rope YOU into it, because that's the only way they'll ever be able to be even close to profitable--by suckering other unsuspecting individuals to open their pocketbooks and become involved in this corrupt and possibly illegal business (pyramid schemes are illegal--multi-level marketing is not necessarily, but it's certainly unethical).  Stay away.

And also stay tuned, because next up, I'm going to tell you how pyramid schemes actually work.  Most people understand that the phrase has become synonymous with "bamboozle," but fewer know why.  I'll explain it to you, and that way you'll be able to watch out for these scams yourself, just in case they surface under a different name and no one's been able to warn you about them yet.

As for the CD I was given, I'm not quite sure what to do with it at this point.  Should I send it to  the media, so they can warn others?  Should I break it in half and send it back to John?  Should I keep it in my files (since I keep damned near everything anyway)?  I must think on this for a while and determine the course of action most likely to either shut the scam down, or at least do the most possible damage to the kingpin's bottom line.

And what will I do if John does call me?  That's another decision I have to make, because I suspect he probably will.  I'm either going to explain my refusal to participate in a pyramid scheme...or I'm going to try to sell him a magic show anyway--but I'll sell him my special "pyramid" magic show, where (for those of you who've seen The Prestige) I charge my standard fee for the Pledge, double for the Turn, and $5,000 for the Prestige.  Paid in advance, of course.  No 50% deposits allowed for con men, thank you very much.

Bob

Leader of the Banned Review

Just because Brian is a friend of mine doesn't mean I can't objectively review one of his books.  Generally speaking, you can be assured that everything he puts out is going to kick all kinds of ass, but if he fucks one up, you can rest assured ol' Bob will call him on it, if for no other reason than because he has such a history of quality that he can now safely be held to a higher standard than other authors.

Long-time fans will recognize Leader of the Banned as the fourth (and, we're told, final) installment in the non-fiction "Hail Saten" series.  Yes, we spell Saten with an "e" and the reason is given in Sympathy for the Devil: The Best of Hail Saten volume 1 (it's a story that involves hate mail from an illiterate, and well worth reading if you own a copy).  For those of you not in the know, here's the deal: starting right around the beginning of Brian's professional writing career, he started keeping a blog, collecting non-fiction essays on writing, the genre, life, love, failures, successes, and everything else he could think of.  The best of these essays have been collected in the four volumes of the Hail Saten series (Sympathy for the Devil, Running with the Devil, The New Fear, and Leader of the Banned).

Throughout the series, we've seen Brian at his best and his worst.  Readers have laughed at his crazy antics, cried at the low points, and thanked him for the information, the entertainment, and for being so open with his friends, fans, readers, and the horror community in general.

Stylistically, Brian's non-fiction reads like it was written by the bastard love child of Hunter S. Thompson, Stephen King, and a mutant badger.  I'm sure Brian would agree (in fact, mutant badger aside, he's admitted as much himself--I think he was planning to save that revelation for the fifth volume that we'll probably never see).  Sure, a lot of the stories are more fiction than they are fact, but that doesn't detract from the truths Brian reveals in his collections.  If you care about the horror genre, enjoy an entertaining story, or are simply curious what goes on in the mind of a professional writer, you'll find a lot of value in this book, and indeed, in the entire series.

Which brings us to the sad part: this volume four is marketed as the final volume for a reason.  Genre politics, business, a visit from the federal government, and assorted other factors prompted Brian to bring Hail Saten to an end in 2008.  Sure, he still maintains a blog, but it's not the same snarky Hunter Thompson-esque, mutant badger influenced rant-fest it once was.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, and one certainly can't hold the decision against Brian (it's the same decision any of us would have made, I'm sure), but the material posted these days probably wouldn't make a very entertaining collection of essays.  The events leading up to its closure are detailed in this book, alongside some never-before seen material that the fans are sure to eat up.  It even includes "If I Were President," the very essay that landed Brian on a government watch-list and provoked a visit from a federal agent, including his description of that particular affair.  Read this book, and you'll get the inside scoop on what's been happening to the horror genre, and why it seems to be collapsing all around us (a topic I wrote at length on myself recently, posted to this very blog, and then deleted the following day because I decided I really didn't feel like naming names, despite how incredibly pissed I was at a particular turn of events).

To be perfectly honest, despite quite a few laugh out loud moments, this is a much more serious book than its three predecessors.  And it should be.  Because in the era of the New Fear, described in the third volume, sometimes someone has to say some unpleasant truths.  Brian's book will make you look some of these unpleasantries in the eye, and it's a very good thing that needed to be done.

Read for entertainment.

Read for information.

Read because it'll make you look cool.

Read because it's important.

Read because if you don't, mutant zombie badgers will kill you in your sleep.

Review of Coldheart Canyon by Clive Barker

Well, I've decided since I read a lot and watch a lot of movies, it would be a good idea to start writing some reviews.  You know, to share my thoughts, give something back, turn people on to some new possibilities for their own reading or viewing pleasure...and occasionally, I must confess, to absolutely rip some poor schmuck apart in the interest both of being entertainingly snarky and warning readers away from unworthy additions to our artistic table.

Our first selection is an older title, but definitely worth consideration: Coldheart Canyon by Clive Barker.

It doesn’t take one much to realize that I’m a Clive Barker fan.  My DVD shelves contain copies of Hellraiser and Candyman.  My bookcases proudly display autographed copies of the Books of Blood, The Hellbound Heart, and Visions of Heaven and Hell among many others, including our topic for today, Coldheart Canyon.

I hesitate to divulge too much in this review, because part of what makes Barker’s work enjoyable is the process of discovering the strange, unknown worlds he creates on the page.  Suffice to say that the world presented in Coldheart Canyon is called the Devil’s Country, and it seems to be just that.

The novel follows movie star Todd Pickett as he hides himself away in a place called Coldheart Canyon while recovering from a disastrous cosmetic surgery.  But the owner of the Canyon, and the reason for its unfortunate name, is still present--Katya Lupi, a movie star of a previous era, who supernaturally retains her youthful beauty and apparently insatiable sex drive.

What awaits Todd and the rest of the cast of characters is a strange mix of eroticism and sheer terror as only Clive Barker can deliver.

The characters are certainly believable, but one has the feeling of being caught in a tug-of-war of the emotions as we are rocketed from sympathy for the characters on one page to loathing them on the next.  Todd Pickett, for instance, is at once the heroic everyman, the lost child, and the egocentric asshole.  We can sympathize with his emotions as he’s experiencing the wonders of Coldheart Canyon.  He has the feeling of someone caught in a world he doesn’t understand, but can’t bring himself to escape from.  In that sense (and in others as will become clear as one reads the book), Coldheart Canyon is actually a metaphor for the extravagances of Hollywood life.  Glamorous at a glance, but repeated exposure leads one to see the corrupt underbelly.  Todd plays the same role in both scenarios: Hollywood and Coldheart Canyon.  He is tempted by the immeasurable lure of the Hollywood lifestyle just as he is seduced by Katya Lupi and her pleasures.  But he understands, on some level, that neither is healthy.

It’s a plight we can sympathize with, and it makes Todd’s behavior when he’s in “movie star mode” somewhat more forgivable.  Still, he is a spoiled rich kid who is accustomed to getting what he wants, and this side of his character shows itself repeatedly throughout the text.

Most of the other characters seem equally paradoxical.  Tammy Lauper, for instance, is the overweight woman whose heart is even bigger than her girth.  She seems immediately likeable, and we can’t help but to feel sorry for her as she’s either overlooked or openly mocked because of her weight.  At the same time, there’s a slight tinge of insanity that colors our perception of her character as we discover just how obsessive a Todd Pickett fan she actually is.

Other characters seem equally paradoxical.  It is the contradictory nature of the characters, and our emotional turns regarding our perceptions of them, that is truly the most enjoyable part of this book.  Rather than the stereotypical horror story fare of painfully one-dimensional characters that are either meant as stand-ins for the everyman or as generally unlikeable shallow caricatures, mere shadows of what real humans might be like (often painted with a cynic's hardened brush), this book offers characters that come complete with all the faults and qualities one would expect to find in human beings.  The extraordinary nature of the events these characters find themselves exploring serve as a perfect backdrop to explore the extremes of the human experience in a way other forms of literature would not so easily allow.

Clive Barker is never one to shy away from the sexually explicit, and this book certainly provides no exception to the rule.  In Clive Barker’s worlds, sex and death, pleasure and pain, don’t seem as concrete of terms as we would come to expect in everyday life.  The lines are often blurred, giving us a unique psychological perspective on pleasure, pain, and morality.  Barker has a happy talent for making the ugly beautiful and the beautiful ugly, expertly demonstrated in this book, as in a scene in which characters participate in an orgy of ghosts.  One is almost tempted to feel aroused by his detailed descriptions of the encounter, but just as one is beginning to vicariously experience the pleasures described, one is then reminded that the participants are not, in fact, alive, and can’t help but feel a slight revulsion at the thought, despite the fact that this is not true necrophilia, as the ghosts are presented as attractive people rather than decomposing corpses.

Coldheart Canyon has everything going for it.  Intriguing characters, a unique plot, and a willingness to show us details other authors might shy away from.  It’s an emotional roller-coaster ride that’s both thrilling and thought-provoking.  However, the ride simply lasts too long.  The book, coming in at 676 pages, occasionally has a hard time holding interest.  Several points throughout the book feel like they would have been an appropriate climax, requiring only a brief epilogue to finish the story, but Barker didn’t choose to end at any of these points.  He knew what he wanted to say, and by god, he was going to say it no matter how many pages it took.

The end result is worth the extra effort, but one can’t help but to feel the book would have been made stronger by cutting perhaps 100 or 200 pages.

All in all, it’s a worthwhile read for Clive Barker fans.  Those who are offended by graphic depictions of sexual encounters might want to look for another book, however, though personally I think they’d be best served by getting off their moralistic high horse and enjoy a good fuck story like the rest of us.

Bob

Instant Gratification

What is it with people these days always wanting instant gratification?  I feel older than my years just writing such a thing (expect me to start shaking a cane and shouting “Damn kids, get off my lawn” shortly), but it’s really the truth.  We’ve become a society of instant gratification and while it’s occasionally a good thing, I think it does more harm than good overall.

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and there was an occurrence today that prompted me to finally sit down and write something about it.  I was at the magic shop to pick up an item I’d been waiting for (I won’t tell you what it was, even if you ask).  While I was there talking with the guy working the counter, a high school kid walked in with a very particular request.  He needed something (ie., a trick) with a  rose.

The shop was out of the usual fare of gimmicked rose tricks (perhaps some day I’ll share with you why I don’t like those effects to begin with, but for now that’s neither here nor there), so we were trying to brainstorm something that wouldn’t be too difficult for him to do.  We then learned that he needed it this weekend, and all our ideas went right out the window.

Now, I understand this kid isn’t a professional magician (or even a dedicated hobbyist), and so shouldn’t be expected to devote the years to the craft that I have.  But at the same time, how can he possibly expect to have something presentable in just a couple of days?

I’ve already performed with the item I purchased, even after a couple of hours.  Do you know why I was able to do that?  Because it was a replacement item for one that had worn out.  I’d already practiced it, already come up with a routine, already mastered everything about it that needed to be mastered.  From the time I got the idea for how to use this item and purchased my first one, to the time I was actually ready to perform it, I invested a good two months of work on it.  That’s work on the physical knuckle-busting mechanics of it, and work on the presentation.  It’s hard work.  I love it, but it’s still bloody hard work.  And I invested two months even though I could have physically done it in maybe two days, because my magic is stronger for having paid my dues and done the work.

Some of the ideas we tossed around were different ways of producing roses.  We talked about some “straight” productions, a production in which an origami rose turns into a real one, and a few others.  These aren’t physically hard to do, but there’s a lot of work that goes into them.  Let’s say we want to do the Floating Rose, in which an origami rose is folded, made to float, lit on fire, and transforms into a real rose from the flames.  A very nice effect, popularized by David Copperfield on one of his TV specials.

Were this young gentleman to try and achieve this effect, how long would he actually have to work on it?  A long time.  Let’s figure he could probably master the origami necessary for the first part in a couple of days.  It’s a bit knacky, but not too hard to do, so that’s reasonable.  I have some experience with such things and mastered the fold in one day, so a newbie could probably do it in two or three without too much trouble.

Then you have to make it float.  Two months of practice.  Then you have to learn how to produce a real rose from the flames.  Two months of practice.  Then you have to come up with a routine, storyline, patter, etc.  One month of work.  Then you have to piece all these elements together, and get the timing right, polish everything and make it ready for performance.  One month of work.  Then you’re ready to perform for your first audiences.  And based on their reactions and feedback, you’ll be working and polishing and refining for the next two months before you can achieve anything close to mastery.  That’s six months until the first performance, and eight before you’ve mastered it.  Not something to take lightly, but that’s the right way to do it.  Anything less will look exactly like what it is--something you threw together in a weekend “because you had to” or “because it looked neat.”  That’s not magic, that’s a trick.  Magic only happens when you pay your dues and do your hard time of practice.

But we seem to see this a lot.  Even so-called “professional” magicians are seen walking into the magic shop and saying to the manager, “I need something good I can throw into my act tonight.”  TONIGHT!  Even if they’re able to achieve the physical mechanics of the effect in that much time (sometimes they can, more often they only THINK that they can), all they’ll be doing is a poorly executed parody of what the effect’s designer did.  They won’t be bringing anything of themselves to the performance, and that’s what people really want.  That emotional connection between audience and performer is what distinguishes magic from cheap tricks.

Writers have a similar problem.  Professional authors all have one thing in common--they’ve paid their fucking dues!  They’ve written every day for years, dutifully sending off their creations to publication venues, and in return they’ve received rejection letters.  The good ones, the ones that eventually get read, are the ones that read the rejections, listen to them, learn from them, fix the things that need to be fixed, and start over again.  It’s a tough process, very hard on the ego, but it does what it’s designed to do--make you a better writer.  No one is born with the innate ability to craft a wonderful novel.  Yes, some people have more innate talent than others, but mostly it’s a learned skill: learned through years upon years of hard work and dedication.

Do you know why, though many of my friends are authors and I often post on writers’ message boards, I’m not usually seen giving advice?  It’s because I’m still in the middle of that process.  I’m still paying my fucking dues.  I haven’t yet earned my seat at the table of professionals.  Plenty of my friends have, and they’ve been a great help to me, but they’re only willing to help because I’m willing to listen to their advice, pay my dues, and not get caught up arguing the minutia of something I haven’t earned the right to argue yet.

But more and more, people aren’t paying their dues.  They’re looking for instant gratification.  They write a novel that they think is great--of course they think it’s great, because they just spend the better part of a year bleeding over it.  But it’s not great.  It’s rubbish, and no editor in his right mind will buy it.  Why?  Because in order to write a good novel, you first have to write about a million words of absolute shit.  Each one will be better than the last, you’ll begin to see improvement, but it takes fucking time!  Instead of working through the process designed to create good writers, though, they send their book off to a vanity press, pay a few hundred bucks to have it published (note to aspiring writers: money flows TO the author, not away from him--if you have to pay to be published, you automatically know that 1) the publisher is a con man and 2) you need to work harder and write better before it’s worth reading), and do you know what happens?  It isn’t hailed as the best thing since A Tale of Two Cities.  It’s either completely ignored by everyone except the author’s own mother, or, if the author is too aggressive in his marketing, gets slammed by a slew of brutal reviewers who are tired of being sent complimentary copies of self-published dreck.

Contrary to what some mentally ill people (like the individual known in the horror small press community somewhat less than affectionately as He Who Shall Not Be Named) may think, there is no conspiracy to keep some people from being published.  Rather, there’s a process designed to publish the good, and help the bad to improve.  There aren’t any evil overlords passing judgment on poor unsuspecting writers--there are just people making proper business decisions, and these decisions collectively create the process.

Whatever you’re trying to do, you need to pay your fucking dues, learn your fucking craft, and doing fucking right.   Yes, it will take years of hard work.  No, people aren’t going to immediately recognize your undeniable brilliance, because guess what!  Your brilliance isn’t undeniable.  I’m fucking denying it right now.  You’re not brilliant.  If you were brilliant, you’d realize the importance of hard work, and you’d pay your fucking dues instead of bitching that people are keeping you from that instant gratification you so desperately crave.

I leave you with this thought: if you receive instant gratification, it has no value.  True gratification comes from watching years of hard work pay off.

Bob

Westboro Baptist Church in Colorado

Heads up to those of you in Colorado: the Westboro Baptist Church (of "God hates fags" infamy) is going to be picketing in various towns in our neck of the woods for a few days later this month.  Their schedule is posted at http://www.godhatesfags.com/schedule.html (the CO schedule is just over half-way down the page).  I've heard rumors of several planned counter-protests, but I'm currently unsure of details.  If you know of anything that's going on, drop me a line and I'll pass the word along to others.  I'll let y'all know if I hear anything further.

Just because no one in the world likes these people doesn't mean counter-protests are useless.  People need to stand up to them whether people are listening to their message or not.

Bob

A Questionnaire

So, friends of mine keep sending me these "tell me about yourself" questionnaires, and I typically don't fill them in for a variety of reasons (lack of time ranks right at the top).  But, I actually have a few minutes of free time this evening.  No, that's a lie.  I have several hours before I need to go to bed if I'm going to get any sleep at all before going to work in the morning, and several days worth of work to do in that time, but I'm going to pretend I have free time anyway because, damn it, I need to do something lighthearted for a few minutes.

Anyway, what I've done is taken questions from several of these questionnaires, supplied the answers, and copied them below.  Enjoy learning more about me than I'm sure you ever wanted to know.

Birth Date & Location?

I was born at a very early age.  I came into this world on September 1, 1988, the very same day that Luis Alvarez, the American physicist and Nobel laureate (perhaps best known for his work on the extinction of dinosaurs), who would later become one of my personal heroes, died.  I was born in Aurora, Colorado and there are those who insist the town has never recovered.

Current Location?

I still reside in Aurora, though I've moved to a different end of town.  But that's just physically.  Mentally, and emotionally, I live wherever I want to, usually some place far away, and transported there and back through the magic of literary imagination.

Physical Characteristics?

Damned attractive for a goofy looking sonofabitch, if I do say so myself.  Unfortunately, I actually don't say so.  That being the case: roughly 6' tall, caucasian, brown hair, often with a beard.

Right Handed or Left Handed?

I write with my right hand, but I do strive to maintain some degree of ambidexterity.  It's important as a magician that I'm able to use both hands as well as possible.  So even though each action is scripted for a certain hand and not interchangeable, no one hand is more important than the other while performing.

Religion?

During my childhood, I was raised to believe in the Catholic religion.  My mother was (and remains) Catholic, as were her family.  My father's family were Protestant, but since we lived closer to my maternal relatives, I went to church with them, and my father chose to stay home.  Over the course of years, I gradually leaned further and further away from the church, for reasons I won't go into here (you can read all about it when my book on the topic finally finds publication), eventually landing comfortably in my present position as an atheist.

Politics?

Mostly Libertarian.  I tend to be liberal on social issues and more conservative on economic issues.  But I stray from the Libertarian "ideal" on some points, and distance myself from the "extreme" elements of Libertarianism.  The good news is, my views mean I will be able to find something to like in both liberals and conservatives.

Ancestry?

Mostly European, but quite a mix, really.  Most of my ancestry has been within the United States for at least several generations, though.  Honestly, though, I don't care where my ancestors came from.  I just like people, regardless of heritage, and to that extent, just think of myself more as "human" than as defined by my ancestry, or even as American.

Fashion & Style?

Style?  What's that?  Actually, though I'm not much of a fashion critic, I do try to maintain something of a decent style.  Mostly, I prefer to express my style through actions and words than by appearance, but I don't want to look like a bum either.  When I go out, I like to wear a suit as often as is appropriate.  But where I work, that would make me hideously overdressed, so I usually just wear a decent pair of trousers and a t-shirt to work.

What is your weakness?

I don't consider myself a "weak" person at all, but it's still difficult to narrow it down to just one.  Intellectually, I think there may be some holes in my political philosophy that I haven't found yet, and that worries me somewhat.  Physically, I'm not as athletic as I'd like to be (not because I want to be an athlete, but being in better shape would be nice).  Emotionally, probably my desire for that kind of perfect love that I'm not even sure really exists.  But I hope it does.

Greatest fears?

On a personal level, my greatest fear is probably loneliness.  Not that I need people around me all the time.  I'm rather a solitary person and work well alone, but as I indicated above, the one thing I want above all else is that perfect love, and my greatest fear is that I'll never find it.  On a more global level, I fear that humanity might kill itself with its own ignorance (I won't go into the specifics of what I mean here).

Favorite foods?

Italian, Mexican, American.  I can't eat seafood (at all), but I'm actually not horribly picky about cuisines, though I'm perfectly happy just to get some pasta or a steak.  My favorite dessert, though, is tiramisu.

Most important goal for the next year?

I have a rather long list of goals I'd like to accomplish this year.  Some I will succeed at, others I likely won't (but I'll keep trying until I do succeed, even if it takes a few extra years).  I'd like to sell one of my books, for instance.  I'd like to start making a bit of money performing close-up magic.  But if I had to pick one single most important goal, it would be to find love.

What time do you go to bed?

It depends on the day, but usually fairly late.  Typically around 2:00 or 3:00 if I have to work the next day.  If I have the following day off (and no plans in the morning), usually a few hours later.

First thoughts upon waking?

"Ugh.  Is it still morning?  Wake me when it's lunchtime."

Pepsi or Coke?

I don't really care.  Of the two, I'd usually go for coke, but I'll drink either.  And in all honestly, I'll usually reach for the Mountain Dew first anyway.

McDonalds or Burger King?

McDonald's if it's for breakfast, Burger King if it's for lunch.  But really, I'd rather go somewhere without a drive-thru.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Vanilla, with chocolate toppings.

Lipton or Nestea?

I'm more of a coffee man, myself.  But if I am drinking tea, it's not going to be iced.  It will be hot.

Red wine or white?

With dinner, it depends on what I'm eating, of course.  It would be blasphemous to have white wine with steak or red with chicken, wouldn't it?  But if I'm just trying to enjoy a glass of wine for its own sake, I've got to go with red, no doubt about it.  And if I'm allowed to be particularly picky, a nice Pinot Noir would be lovely.

Do you smoke?

No.  I did, for four or five years.  Then I quit.  Now, I only have the occasional cigarette, typically as a celebration of something or other.  The only time I'll smoke more than the odd occasional cigarette is when I'm in Las Vegas.

Do you drink?

Yes, but not heavily.  I enjoy a nice glass of wine from time to time, or a whisky or two when out with friends.  But I've only actually gotten drunk a few times.

Do you swear?

What the fuck are you talking about?  I could deliver a lengthy dissertation on why profanity is actually a matter of superstition, but it's easier just to say "yes."

Do you sing?

Yes.  Badly.  When I'm alone or the music is loud enough that no one can hear me anyway.

Have you ever been in love?

I thought so at the time.  Now I'm convinced it was just something I ate.  But I do desire love.  Real love.  The lasting kind.

Have you been to college/university or do you intend to?

I have not, and I might want to someday.  Personally, I prefer to be autodidactic.  I love learning as much as I can about as many things as I can, but I like doing it on my own.  That having been said, I would like to earn a degree or two.

Do you want to get married?

Eventually, if I find the right person.  But absolutely not in a church.

Do you think you're attractive?

Not particularly.  But neither do I think I'm particularly unattractive.

Are you a health freak?

Hell no!  Though I am trying to make an effort to live a slightly healthier lifestyle, I don't think I'll ever be one of those health freaks.

Do you get along with your parents?

Usually, yes.  As long as certain topics can be avoided, because they both have some extremely bizarre beliefs and opinions that drive me absolutely crazy when I hear about them.

Do you like thunderstorms?

Of course!  Let me put it to you this way.  My fiction primarily centers around two genres: horror, and (very occasionally) romance.  What could symbolize or facilitate these better than thunderstorms?

Do you play an instrument?

I used to play piano.  I've fallen out of practice, but keep meaning to take it up again.  Tried learning guitar for a while, too, but never got any good at it.

In the past month, have you...

...Drank alcohol?

Yes, but not to excess.

...Smoked?

Yes, once or maybe twice.

...Done drugs?

Only if aspirin counts.  I'm quite proud of the fact that I've never done any illegal drugs (not because of the legality, but because of the effect they have on the brain), and take the legal ones only rarely, when necessary for medical purposes.

...Been on a date?

Yes.  Nothing came of it, and so my quest for true love continues.

...Been to a mall?

I took a shortcut through a mall to get somewhere else.  Does that count?

...Been on stage?

No, not in the last month.

...Gone skinny dipping?

No.  I live in Colorado.  It's winter.  The shock would probably kill me.

...Stolen anything?

Of course not.  Nor would I.

Have you ever...

...Been drunk?

Yes, but rarely, and never to the point of passing out.

...Done drugs?

Nothing stronger than cold medicine.

...Been beaten up?

No.  I've never been in a physical fight, either.  I'm not a violent person, and I don't attract violence toward myself.  Plus, I'm big enough that even though I'm not a violent person, most people would think twice before starting something.

...Shoplifted?

No.

How do you want to die?

As an old man, with the woman I love by my side, content in the knowledge that I've led a long, successful, and meaningful life.

What country do you most want to visit?

That's a tough one.  I want to see the entire world.  Everything from the popular tourist spots to the relatively untouched wild, to the slums.  If I had to pick just one, right now...I'd have to say it's a tie.  Either France or Italy.

So there it is, a reasonable cross-section of the questionnaires I've received lately.  Many individual questions have been omitted for brevity.

Take care,

Bob